I need to understand my thoughts.

I just want my life back !
I don't know who I am anymore...
I guess that's a part in growing up.
Well... it sucks.
My days are shitty, my mood is bad, my thoughs are wrong.
I think it's just because I'm missing the ones I love, the ones I care so much about...
I should try to get some sleep, dream something nice, wake up, have my 3 cube sugar coffee, go for a run, read some poetry, listen to some meditation music, light a vanilla candle, drink a cup of green tea, wear my glasses, enjoy life in a beautiful city, meet up with old friends, roll a cigg, close my eyes and think how lucky I am.
Something's wrong and I can feel it in my bones. Something's not going well and I can not tell what.
I overthink things too much again, I act crazy, I say things i shouldn't.
I kind of miss my old life, my quite place at home, my writing all night, my childhood books, my teddy's, my mother's voice in the morning, my fathers goodnight hug, my inner peace.
I need an ocupation, I need to have something in which I strongly believe.
I need to do something, until I get home again, or else I will go insane.
I mean, really crazy, not crazy in a funny, cute way.

The feeling of missing you is getting me out of my mind and I can't handle this anymore.
I need to lay back and just empty my mind. Let my feelings out, fear my deepest fearst, face the truth.
It's not getting any easier.

I have faith in myself, because I know you trust me. I know that you think I'm gonna make it through.
I just don't wanna dissapoint you.
I'm fighting for you, I'm not letting you down.
You're the one that keeps me strong! You're the one , that doesn't let me get out of my mind!
You're the reason for that I'm still fighting my feelings, my sadness, my depression.
You're the air I need to breathe, you keep me alive everyday.
The thought I might loose you someday scares the shit out of me.
I know I won't ! I know you wouldn't do this to me.
I trust you.
I trust you with my life, 'cause in the moment I fell in love with you, I gave you my passion, I shared my deepest secrets with you, I trusted you that you'll do just fine.
I just need you in my moments of loneliness. You don't have to say a thing, I just need to know that you're here and you're not going anywhere.
It might sound crazy, but I wanna start meditating. The tibetan singing makes me feel peacefully, helps me to find my silence, it empties my mind and opens my soul. I guess that's because I think everyday , that this all could end someday soon and I just don't wanna end things being stressed and not satisfied with myself.
I need to know I'm not going really insane, I need to know my loneliness is not taking over me.
I never thought it would be so hard for me to be so far away, I thought I was stronger and I could handle things pretty well. The fact that  it's not like that ,scared me.
I wanna win my strenght back, I wanna learn how to see things like I did before, I wanna have an optimistic mentality again, I wanna gain the faith in myself.
I need this now.
It's a conflict between me and myself.
I don't wanna let me down, once again.
I can't go through that shit all over again. I did once, it was horrible, I somehow made it though, end of story.
I need to manage my feelings now and I'm not talking about love or hate.
I'm talking about the deep feelings, the once we don't realize we truly have.

My conclusion is that, great ideas cross my mind only at 4 o'clock in the morning.
Maybe that's why I enjoy staying up all night and sleep all day.
I need some sleep now.
Hopefully my ideas will last 'till tommorow morning.

I need to change my lifestyle in order to have a better mood, I need to go out of the house and just watch the sky.
Think of nothing, but you in my arms again.
I'll be home soon and everything will be back to normal.

...'till I'm coming back here.

Please Universe, I need this strenght now.
I can't let him down.